I really would just like someone to take care of me.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
11 18 91
Firstly, I didn't go to sleep until 5:30, because I started Twilight at midnight: Bad Idea, but oh oh so good. :D
Chem: made a lovely breakfast; didn't live up to expectations, I'm freaking out about the test on now Friday.
Announcements: Ok, ish. Sash deal, ha It's not your birthday, Ha, Wait, It's your birthday. One redeeming thing was my magnificent portrait from Miss Maddie Mongoose. It was truly magnificent. I'll post something tomorrow explaining how sentimental it was. People actually care about me!? Who knew?
Lang: AP Almanac- eh, not so fantastic, but alright. Listened to awkward discussions. Then Maddy Dahl came to relinquish her birthday duties to me for the entire week. Sad. But happy?
Lunch: lonely
Bio: cleaned blood off the walls, fell asleep.
Inbetweener: Picked up lovely sunflowers from AMIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (This was the best part of my day I'd say, except for talking to lovely Amie dearest for like an hour.)
US: Joe and ChelsO came to give me a daisy flowery guy. That was happy, did history presentations, HA! Toilet paper "spiritual" dance. Then cupcakes. Tucker wasn't too pleased.
Afterschooly: Myself, Kellie, Paige Thompson, Emily Hayes, Camille, Michaela Hester, Jasmin, went to "used food store" and proceeded to budget buy 106$ worth of non perishable food, which, FYI, amounts to 276 individual items. That was happy. Then I talked to Kevin for a bit. Which made me happy. I miss him. We are rather kindred spirits. I need to remember that.
Upon returning home, it was time to go to Kan Pai. YUMo! Green lip muscles... Sigh.
Then we came home and opened presents.
Here was where I talked to AMIE!!!! Until about seven fifty. At which time she had to go to sleepies because she is a tired, sicky one, and I had to go to the concerty thing at Rise Up.
So, I drove downtown, and parked on the north side of the parking garage. I brought Mr. Camera (he needs a name), and we took some lovely shots on the alley walk over. When I got in, I was feeling awkwardly antisocial, so I took off to shoot some pictures. When I was shooting some brick walls, Kent Liscious sprang up to me in his bubbly way and said something of no significance. Then, he asked me to take a picture of his Regge Festival peace sign tie dye shirt. No joke. And just as he is walking away, up bike three young lads. One is Greg Vibbert's older brother, I think. The "ringleader" of the trio comes up to me and inquires as to whether there's music playing tonight. To which I reply, Yeah but just some local high school bands. He's like yeah, cause evidently he knew the Rise Up thing was going down. He asked where it was, I told him. And then he said "You shaved your head a while ago didn't you?" "Um... Yeah, I did," I respond, slightly intrigued by this stranger who recognizes me, when I have no clue who he is. "That was really cool." ??? Ha. You're pretty. Anyhow. Shook hands with him. My name's Naomi. "My name's Cooper. You're going to the thing aren't you." "Well, Ha, I was there but was feeling awkwardly antisocial, so I decided to come take pictures. I might go back." "Well I'll see you there if you come back." Haha. I'm pretty cute, aren't I?
Anyhow. That was a dumb sidenote. I get back, see Jordan Babys, which isn't as much fun now that he likes me. Dumb dumb. And Wilson was there. Goddamnit, he ruins everything. I thought I was over him.
Weird, weird, weird mood I was in. And then I came home and had rustic berry tart and saw how many people saw my birthday on facebook and commented on my WALL.... woo.
I need too check my Blackboard Grades.
I think I like it better the 364 days I'm anticipating my birthday better.
Chem: made a lovely breakfast; didn't live up to expectations, I'm freaking out about the test on now Friday.
Announcements: Ok, ish. Sash deal, ha It's not your birthday, Ha, Wait, It's your birthday. One redeeming thing was my magnificent portrait from Miss Maddie Mongoose. It was truly magnificent. I'll post something tomorrow explaining how sentimental it was. People actually care about me!? Who knew?
Lang: AP Almanac- eh, not so fantastic, but alright. Listened to awkward discussions. Then Maddy Dahl came to relinquish her birthday duties to me for the entire week. Sad. But happy?
Lunch: lonely
Bio: cleaned blood off the walls, fell asleep.
Inbetweener: Picked up lovely sunflowers from AMIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (This was the best part of my day I'd say, except for talking to lovely Amie dearest for like an hour.)
US: Joe and ChelsO came to give me a daisy flowery guy. That was happy, did history presentations, HA! Toilet paper "spiritual" dance. Then cupcakes. Tucker wasn't too pleased.
Afterschooly: Myself, Kellie, Paige Thompson, Emily Hayes, Camille, Michaela Hester, Jasmin, went to "used food store" and proceeded to budget buy 106$ worth of non perishable food, which, FYI, amounts to 276 individual items. That was happy. Then I talked to Kevin for a bit. Which made me happy. I miss him. We are rather kindred spirits. I need to remember that.
Upon returning home, it was time to go to Kan Pai. YUMo! Green lip muscles... Sigh.
Then we came home and opened presents.
Here was where I talked to AMIE!!!! Until about seven fifty. At which time she had to go to sleepies because she is a tired, sicky one, and I had to go to the concerty thing at Rise Up.
So, I drove downtown, and parked on the north side of the parking garage. I brought Mr. Camera (he needs a name), and we took some lovely shots on the alley walk over. When I got in, I was feeling awkwardly antisocial, so I took off to shoot some pictures. When I was shooting some brick walls, Kent Liscious sprang up to me in his bubbly way and said something of no significance. Then, he asked me to take a picture of his Regge Festival peace sign tie dye shirt. No joke. And just as he is walking away, up bike three young lads. One is Greg Vibbert's older brother, I think. The "ringleader" of the trio comes up to me and inquires as to whether there's music playing tonight. To which I reply, Yeah but just some local high school bands. He's like yeah, cause evidently he knew the Rise Up thing was going down. He asked where it was, I told him. And then he said "You shaved your head a while ago didn't you?" "Um... Yeah, I did," I respond, slightly intrigued by this stranger who recognizes me, when I have no clue who he is. "That was really cool." ??? Ha. You're pretty. Anyhow. Shook hands with him. My name's Naomi. "My name's Cooper. You're going to the thing aren't you." "Well, Ha, I was there but was feeling awkwardly antisocial, so I decided to come take pictures. I might go back." "Well I'll see you there if you come back." Haha. I'm pretty cute, aren't I?
Anyhow. That was a dumb sidenote. I get back, see Jordan Babys, which isn't as much fun now that he likes me. Dumb dumb. And Wilson was there. Goddamnit, he ruins everything. I thought I was over him.
Weird, weird, weird mood I was in. And then I came home and had rustic berry tart and saw how many people saw my birthday on facebook and commented on my WALL.... woo.
I need too check my Blackboard Grades.
I think I like it better the 364 days I'm anticipating my birthday better.
Monday, November 17, 2008
My Last Day
Tomorrow, I turn seventeen, and thus I will commence my last year as a not adult. It's a bit scary, and while I love, love, love birthdays I've never felt so much gravitating around one before.
So, this is a day-to-day blog, but yesterdays entries were mildly emotionally driven. However I'm going to strive to keep up this chronicle of my life. So... What happened today?
I had my hair fro'd out, which was lovely. It gives me a certain je ne sais quoi, a bit of extra confidence. Anyhow, yes. So chem, we're studying Chemical Kinetics and I hadn't worked on any all weekend on account of my marathon 48 hours of mathtime-ing. So, we did a lovely little lab concerning concentration and rate of reaction. Yesh.
Morning Announcements were done in the style of emotional roller coaster. Callancini's comment was that it was "a little heavy on the drama today." That man. I don't know how to feel about him.
Lang, we watched this absolutely beautiful, um speech?, by Keith Olbermann on the Proposition Eight being passed. He basically sets about constructing this eloquent piece of rhetoric which was basically flawless. Gay marriage is no different than that of two opposite sex couples, and he boiled it down to a matter of love. Perhaps I'll talk more about it later, I'm trying to just synopse my day at the moment, for I've still to write a literary analysis paper for Lang. Meh. (Sidenote: I love McCormick, to deaths, it's true.)
It's Monday, so lunch was an Investment Club Meeting. Neal brought us pizza. He's so adorable. Awwww, cute, intelligent, older millionaires. Too bad he's married to a botox dinosaur. We discussed mostly the bailout issues. Whether he supported the bailouts of both the banking systems, and now the car industry. He does. But with the cars, he thinks we should Chapter 11 Restructure them, or something. I should research that...
In bio, they were talking about meiosis, and had this lab. I fell asleep, for a long time. It was disorienting.
Ha, Thunderous Applause. What a joke! Though I sometimes feel bad, because we don't really apply ourselves, slash hate Milner, but then I think that'd be hard. Yeah.
Side note: there's an article about me in Concinnity, the Andrus Family Philanthropy Program, a program of the Surdna Foundation, Newspaper thingy. It said I was 13. I'll write about it later I suppose. Quaint.
I went for a twenty minute run after school... Ha. It was horrible. I'm in such crap shape. It's moderately giving me body image issues, but I'll just work out lots! Commitment, senior blog. I shall work out. Simple as that.
Um... Homework list (I'm rather wont to incessantly make lists.)
-Chem: STUDY
Practice problems: 14.3, 9, 15, 21, 23, 25, 27, 33, 35
Test Friday
-Lang: Literary Analysis Paper
Read: High School Confidential, Notes on Teen Movies
-Math: CRAP
-US: Terms and Names, Chapter 9 and 10
Read: Chapters 9 and 10
STUDY
-WORK OUT
-Applesauce: Photoshop Advertisement Poster
Sigh. Ok. I've got to go attend to that list. :/
P.S. Currently listening: Speeding Cars> Imogen Heap
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Ok... so basically I fell asleep at the end of the last post, so I don't know what happened. Here's what occurred in the interim:
My mum woke me up for dinner, no actually my sister. I had some lovely jazzy/Ray Charlsey music on and was feeling warm and cozy and didn't really want to wake up, but I had to curl my hair, so I thought I might as well eat dinner too. Right when I got upstairs, however, Chris called me. He had entered into one of my tests in my online math course (because he is wont to copy my answers in lieu of learning any actual material) and he couldn't exit it because I had no grade on it or whatever. And the reason I hadn't done it yet was because I didn't understand ANY OF IT. AHHHHHHHHHHH. Ugh. Like, string of extremely profain words. I'm so frustrated slash mad slash angry, wait those all mean the same thing, ah, I'm a veritable thesaurus when upset.
Anyhow, so I say "Alright, it's fine, I'll just pop in after dinner and fix it, we can go through it together." But really I'm quite miffed. Anyhow, I sit down at dinner and we had burritos, only with shrimp and I don't like white, brothy shrimp in that context, but that's beside the point. We first had a lovely discussion about how the economy's shot to hell and our grandparents (Dave and Susan) are totally screwed, economically, and we will therefore not be voyaging to Tanzania this Summer. Then we read aloud from these poems that tiny homeless, hungry children had written from the"Empty Bowls" thing today. UGH. So then I thought I'd tell everyone about the diatribe with the Physics Class about the Canned Food Drive, which I though reflected well upon me. But no, evidently. Bruce gave me this massive diatribe about how if I ever want to be a public elected figure I musn't alienate people thus. And I completely wasn't. Though it made me feel like a horrible prat, who doesn't care about anyone.
Then I went over to Chris's and was murdered by that math quiz, because who ever knew that cubic roots of complex polar coordinates were so hard? I certainly didn't, and neither did Chris, or Anthony (Senior year valedictorian-ish this year.) That sucked a lot, but I don't really care any more, my math emotions are nonexistent.
Well then on the way home, I thought I'd just call Connor and vent about the whole ordeal, which I did. And I basically went on one of my thousand-word-paragraph diatribes and ended up quite out of breath by the time I was crossing Portland on 14th street, and he said, "Well that sucks, but I'm kind busy on account of I'm hanging out with someone."
Seriously, that boy has the largest knack for making me feel completely, hopelessly, wholly, entirely worthless. He might just as well have said, "Well that sucks, but, quite frankly, I don't care, and I'm in the middle of wooing one of the myriad women who are so lustily in love with me." Which is what he did say, only with his mind/ tone of voice.
And this simply ties into my previous post about how utterly alone I feel. I'm concerned I'm getting hardened to the universe or something, and going to turn into a introverted, secluded hermit, who simply reads and "does" constantly, but never really achieves any happiness. Oh dear, I shouldn't think such things, for they may come true. What does it matter, anyhow?
I do have these rather disturbing thoughts about death. Like, mildly suicidal. Because, in a totally illogical, yet somehow justified way, I realize that would get people to appreciate me. Or at least acknowledge I'd done something wrong. Wait, that happened subliminally, I mean done anything to alter or affect their lives. No, Naomi, you haven't done anything wrong. You're simply doing so so so so many things.
Yes. So basically, I teeter between this incredibly self-confident person who truly, honestly loves herself, to someone who has no desire to be on the face of this earth. Kind a meager existence, isn't it?
Sigh.
Well, I think I shall go fro out my hair.
My mum woke me up for dinner, no actually my sister. I had some lovely jazzy/Ray Charlsey music on and was feeling warm and cozy and didn't really want to wake up, but I had to curl my hair, so I thought I might as well eat dinner too. Right when I got upstairs, however, Chris called me. He had entered into one of my tests in my online math course (because he is wont to copy my answers in lieu of learning any actual material) and he couldn't exit it because I had no grade on it or whatever. And the reason I hadn't done it yet was because I didn't understand ANY OF IT. AHHHHHHHHHHH. Ugh. Like, string of extremely profain words. I'm so frustrated slash mad slash angry, wait those all mean the same thing, ah, I'm a veritable thesaurus when upset.
Anyhow, so I say "Alright, it's fine, I'll just pop in after dinner and fix it, we can go through it together." But really I'm quite miffed. Anyhow, I sit down at dinner and we had burritos, only with shrimp and I don't like white, brothy shrimp in that context, but that's beside the point. We first had a lovely discussion about how the economy's shot to hell and our grandparents (Dave and Susan) are totally screwed, economically, and we will therefore not be voyaging to Tanzania this Summer. Then we read aloud from these poems that tiny homeless, hungry children had written from the"Empty Bowls" thing today. UGH. So then I thought I'd tell everyone about the diatribe with the Physics Class about the Canned Food Drive, which I though reflected well upon me. But no, evidently. Bruce gave me this massive diatribe about how if I ever want to be a public elected figure I musn't alienate people thus. And I completely wasn't. Though it made me feel like a horrible prat, who doesn't care about anyone.
Then I went over to Chris's and was murdered by that math quiz, because who ever knew that cubic roots of complex polar coordinates were so hard? I certainly didn't, and neither did Chris, or Anthony (Senior year valedictorian-ish this year.) That sucked a lot, but I don't really care any more, my math emotions are nonexistent.
Well then on the way home, I thought I'd just call Connor and vent about the whole ordeal, which I did. And I basically went on one of my thousand-word-paragraph diatribes and ended up quite out of breath by the time I was crossing Portland on 14th street, and he said, "Well that sucks, but I'm kind busy on account of I'm hanging out with someone."
Seriously, that boy has the largest knack for making me feel completely, hopelessly, wholly, entirely worthless. He might just as well have said, "Well that sucks, but, quite frankly, I don't care, and I'm in the middle of wooing one of the myriad women who are so lustily in love with me." Which is what he did say, only with his mind/ tone of voice.
And this simply ties into my previous post about how utterly alone I feel. I'm concerned I'm getting hardened to the universe or something, and going to turn into a introverted, secluded hermit, who simply reads and "does" constantly, but never really achieves any happiness. Oh dear, I shouldn't think such things, for they may come true. What does it matter, anyhow?
I do have these rather disturbing thoughts about death. Like, mildly suicidal. Because, in a totally illogical, yet somehow justified way, I realize that would get people to appreciate me. Or at least acknowledge I'd done something wrong. Wait, that happened subliminally, I mean done anything to alter or affect their lives. No, Naomi, you haven't done anything wrong. You're simply doing so so so so many things.
Yes. So basically, I teeter between this incredibly self-confident person who truly, honestly loves herself, to someone who has no desire to be on the face of this earth. Kind a meager existence, isn't it?
Sigh.
Well, I think I shall go fro out my hair.
Happiness
So, to preface the first post on my blog (which I intend to basically be simple pontifications on life) there will likely be no cohesion or clarity, organization or intent with most everything that I write on here. I don't anticipate any great number of people will read anything I write, but that is a portion of why I'm writing. For many years I have had a great desire to write/journal/diary about my life, so as to both chronicle what happens for my and posterity's reasons, but also as the "pensive" in Dumbledore's office- simply a place to plunk down all my thoughts, feelings and take a look at them whilst they are not bumbling around in my gunked up mind.
First, I want to start with my thoughts on happiness. Right now, I am sad. Lonely and pointless. Sad. It's all basically stemming from my complete lack of any sense of belonging in my life. I do not know what I want to know what I "want to do" when I "grow up," nor do I know who I want to be. But all that seems lofty and a bit unimportant, because of the immediacy of loneliness, which at the moment is looking to be the archetype of happiness. It truly feels that I have nowhere I belong. I dated someone for a good year-and-a-half period and that felt blissfully at peace, like the puzzle piece was in the right spot. But retrospectively, I have no way to know if that was because it truly was happiness, or just some wishful attempt at it, where I make-believed myself into being happy, or even just plain ignorance.
Right now, I have no friends. That sounds horribly pathetic and what have you, but it's rather the truth. I have some lovely acquaintances. I shall list them, for my own purposes, though anyone reading this will probably glean no significance from the list I am about to generate, but I think just now I've been inspired to write down everyone I know, but with whom I am not great friends:
I feel like the quintessential seventeen year old girl (well, in two days!!!), pining over her lonely love life. But I feel my emotional maturity gives me some right to a desire for appreciation on a deeper sociological level. I crave some form of acknowledgment (for if you are reading this and do not know me, I work all the time).
It's perplexing when I think about it, because supposedly, everything I do makes me "happy." Ha, I kinda like lists- so here we go again with me and my freaky over-involvement:
But seriously!? What? Are you joking? "Naomi, how can this possibly make you any kind of happy, I know it just stresses you out?" I say to myself. (Side note: a fantastic song just came on, it's making me smile: La Vie en Rose, by Louis Armstrong. I was truly born to be in a bygone era.)
I am literally busy constantly. It was alright when I had Wilson, because he acknowledged me. I realize I'm kind of a winner of a person, but I sometimes doubt this (despite my immense self confidence and pride) because of what other people think of me, or don't think of me.
Seriously, I would very much like to be loved. That is all. Please, non-denominational deities, send someone down and I'll make them so completely and humongously happy, you have no idea. It's just that right now there isn't even anyone worth "liking."
Sigh. I would actually give a nice hunk of my body to be head-over-heels for someone and have them not even like me at all. That'd at least occupy my pining heart. Ugh, that sounds so horrifically sappy.
I feel like I'm old or something. With all my cats just crowding around me at my old, cat lady house where it smells like purple should smell.
First, I want to start with my thoughts on happiness. Right now, I am sad. Lonely and pointless. Sad. It's all basically stemming from my complete lack of any sense of belonging in my life. I do not know what I want to know what I "want to do" when I "grow up," nor do I know who I want to be. But all that seems lofty and a bit unimportant, because of the immediacy of loneliness, which at the moment is looking to be the archetype of happiness. It truly feels that I have nowhere I belong. I dated someone for a good year-and-a-half period and that felt blissfully at peace, like the puzzle piece was in the right spot. But retrospectively, I have no way to know if that was because it truly was happiness, or just some wishful attempt at it, where I make-believed myself into being happy, or even just plain ignorance.
Right now, I have no friends. That sounds horribly pathetic and what have you, but it's rather the truth. I have some lovely acquaintances. I shall list them, for my own purposes, though anyone reading this will probably glean no significance from the list I am about to generate, but I think just now I've been inspired to write down everyone I know, but with whom I am not great friends:
- Rachel
- Lindsey
- Caitlin
- Katelynn
- Connor
- Owen
- Dylan
- Callaghan
- Camille
- Mia
- Eirran
- Nick
- Maddie
- Jordan
- David Kyuratec
- Matt Meagher
- Taylor Reiner
- Taylor Reiter
- Tayler Audia
- Joe Goss
- Sophia
- Joe Val
- Michaela Tobey
- Kirsten Tobey
- Emily Hayes
- Nellie Hall
- Kevin
- Ariel
- Lila
- Skyler
- Jenny
- Emily Villano
- Amelia Mondry
- Amelia Salazar
- Kenzie Ring
- Cori Ervin
- Mason
- Paul
- Christy
- Amie
- Piper
- Bryce
- Todd
- Anders
- Hillie
- Austin Hill
- Austin Ross
- Weston
- Caleb
- Garret Skelton
- Garret Smith
- Carrie
- Erika Miller
- Tahnisha Romero
- Juliana Elliott
- Mattea
- J-Lu
- Dave
- Daniel Miller
- Brook
- Nash
- Chris
- I don't know, this is just making me sad...
I feel like the quintessential seventeen year old girl (well, in two days!!!), pining over her lonely love life. But I feel my emotional maturity gives me some right to a desire for appreciation on a deeper sociological level. I crave some form of acknowledgment (for if you are reading this and do not know me, I work all the time).
It's perplexing when I think about it, because supposedly, everything I do makes me "happy." Ha, I kinda like lists- so here we go again with me and my freaky over-involvement:
- Student Council
- AP Language
- AP Chem
- AP US
- Drama (usually a play, and plus Thespian Society)
- Running or some form of physical fitness (remind me to talk about my body issues later)
- Idiotic online math
- Photography
- Mock Trial
- Roots and Shoots
- Sparrow Club
- Investment Club
- (HOPEFULLY! Brook and I can start a culinary club)
- BCC
- Ultimate Frisbee
- Maintenance of the US Blog
- An attempt to look aesthetically pleasing every day
- Being kind to all
- Smiling always
- Honor Society
But seriously!? What? Are you joking? "Naomi, how can this possibly make you any kind of happy, I know it just stresses you out?" I say to myself. (Side note: a fantastic song just came on, it's making me smile: La Vie en Rose, by Louis Armstrong. I was truly born to be in a bygone era.)
I am literally busy constantly. It was alright when I had Wilson, because he acknowledged me. I realize I'm kind of a winner of a person, but I sometimes doubt this (despite my immense self confidence and pride) because of what other people think of me, or don't think of me.
Seriously, I would very much like to be loved. That is all. Please, non-denominational deities, send someone down and I'll make them so completely and humongously happy, you have no idea. It's just that right now there isn't even anyone worth "liking."
Sigh. I would actually give a nice hunk of my body to be head-over-heels for someone and have them not even like me at all. That'd at least occupy my pining heart. Ugh, that sounds so horrifically sappy.
I feel like I'm old or something. With all my cats just crowding around me at my old, cat lady house where it smells like purple should smell.
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