Ok... so basically I fell asleep at the end of the last post, so I don't know what happened. Here's what occurred in the interim:

My mum woke me up for dinner, no actually my sister. I had some lovely jazzy/Ray Charlsey music on and was feeling warm and cozy and didn't really want to wake up, but I had to curl my hair, so I thought I might as well eat dinner too. Right when I got upstairs, however, Chris called me. He had entered into one of my tests in my online math course (because he is wont to copy my answers in lieu of learning any actual material) and he couldn't exit it because I had no grade on it or whatever. And the reason I hadn't done it yet was because I didn't understand ANY OF IT. AHHHHHHHHHHH. Ugh. Like, string of extremely profain words. I'm so frustrated slash mad slash angry, wait those all mean the same thing, ah, I'm a veritable thesaurus when upset.

Anyhow, so I say "Alright, it's fine, I'll just pop in after dinner and fix it, we can go through it together." But really I'm quite miffed. Anyhow, I sit down at dinner and we had burritos, only with shrimp and I don't like white, brothy shrimp in that context, but that's beside the point. We first had a lovely discussion about how the economy's shot to hell and our grandparents (Dave and Susan) are totally screwed, economically, and we will therefore not be voyaging to Tanzania this Summer. Then we read aloud from these poems that tiny homeless, hungry children had written from the"Empty Bowls" thing today. UGH. So then I thought I'd tell everyone about the diatribe with the Physics Class about the Canned Food Drive, which I though reflected well upon me. But no, evidently. Bruce gave me this massive diatribe about how if I ever want to be a public elected figure I musn't alienate people thus. And I completely wasn't. Though it made me feel like a horrible prat, who doesn't care about anyone.

Then I went over to Chris's and was murdered by that math quiz, because who ever knew that cubic roots of complex polar coordinates were so hard? I certainly didn't, and neither did Chris, or Anthony (Senior year valedictorian-ish this year.) That sucked a lot, but I don't really care any more, my math emotions are nonexistent.

Well then on the way home, I thought I'd just call Connor and vent about the whole ordeal, which I did. And I basically went on one of my thousand-word-paragraph diatribes and ended up quite out of breath by the time I was crossing Portland on 14th street, and he said, "Well that sucks, but I'm kind busy on account of I'm hanging out with someone."

Seriously, that boy has the largest knack for making me feel completely, hopelessly, wholly, entirely worthless. He might just as well have said, "Well that sucks, but, quite frankly, I don't care, and I'm in the middle of wooing one of the myriad women who are so lustily in love with me." Which is what he did say, only with his mind/ tone of voice.

And this simply ties into my previous post about how utterly alone I feel. I'm concerned I'm getting hardened to the universe or something, and going to turn into a introverted, secluded hermit, who simply reads and "does" constantly, but never really achieves any happiness. Oh dear, I shouldn't think such things, for they may come true. What does it matter, anyhow?

I do have these rather disturbing thoughts about death. Like, mildly suicidal. Because, in a totally illogical, yet somehow justified way, I realize that would get people to appreciate me. Or at least acknowledge I'd done something wrong. Wait, that happened subliminally, I mean done anything to alter or affect their lives. No, Naomi, you haven't done anything wrong. You're simply doing so so so so many things.

Yes. So basically, I teeter between this incredibly self-confident person who truly, honestly loves herself, to someone who has no desire to be on the face of this earth. Kind a meager existence, isn't it?

Sigh.

Well, I think I shall go fro out my hair.