Happiness

So, to preface the first post on my blog (which I intend to basically be simple pontifications on life) there will likely be no cohesion or clarity, organization or intent with most everything that I write on here. I don't anticipate any great number of people will read anything I write, but that is a portion of why I'm writing. For many years I have had a great desire to write/journal/diary about my life, so as to both chronicle what happens for my and posterity's reasons, but also as the "pensive" in Dumbledore's office- simply a place to plunk down all my thoughts, feelings and take a look at them whilst they are not bumbling around in my gunked up mind.

First, I want to start with my thoughts on happiness. Right now, I am sad. Lonely and pointless. Sad. It's all basically stemming from my complete lack of any sense of belonging in my life. I do not know what I want to know what I "want to do" when I "grow up," nor do I know who I want to be. But all that seems lofty and a bit unimportant, because of the immediacy of loneliness, which at the moment is looking to be the archetype of happiness. It truly feels that I have nowhere I belong. I dated someone for a good year-and-a-half period and that felt blissfully at peace, like the puzzle piece was in the right spot. But retrospectively, I have no way to know if that was because it truly was happiness, or just some wishful attempt at it, where I make-believed myself into being happy, or even just plain ignorance.
Right now, I have no friends. That sounds horribly pathetic and what have you, but it's rather the truth. I have some lovely acquaintances. I shall list them, for my own purposes, though anyone reading this will probably glean no significance from the list I am about to generate, but I think just now I've been inspired to write down everyone I know, but with whom I am not great friends:

• Rachel
• Lindsey
• Caitlin
  
• Katelynn
• Connor
• Owen
• Dylan
  
• Callaghan
• Camille
• Mia
• Eirran
• Nick
  
• Maddie
• Jordan
• David Kyuratec
• Matt Meagher
  
• Taylor Reiner
• Taylor Reiter
• Tayler Audia
• Joe Goss
• Sophia
• Joe Val
• Michaela Tobey
• Kirsten Tobey
• Emily Hayes
• Nellie Hall
• Kevin
• Ariel
• Lila
• Skyler
• Jenny
• Emily Villano
• Amelia Mondry
  
• Amelia Salazar
• Kenzie Ring
  
• Cori Ervin
• Mason
• Paul
• Christy
• Amie
• Piper
• Bryce
• Todd
• Anders
• Hillie
• Austin Hill
• Austin Ross
• Weston
• Caleb
• Garret Skelton
• Garret Smith
• Carrie
• Erika Miller
• Tahnisha Romero
• Juliana Elliott
• Mattea
• J-Lu
• Dave
• Daniel Miller
• Brook
• Nash
• Chris
  
• I don't know, this is just making me sad...

Alright. So, moral of the story: I know a bunch of people but I do not really know them, furthermore I have absolutely no desire to know what makes them think, wake up each morning, smile, what they love, what their definition of happiness is. I suppose that sounds rather narcissistic, but it mostly comes from my lack of confidence in the fact that they could ever reciprocate.

I feel like the quintessential seventeen year old girl (well, in two days!!!), pining over her lonely love life. But I feel my emotional maturity gives me some right to a desire for appreciation on a deeper sociological level. I crave some form of acknowledgment (for if you are reading this and do not know me, I work all the time).

It's perplexing when I think about it, because supposedly, everything I do makes me "happy." Ha, I kinda like lists- so here we go again with me and my freaky over-involvement:

• Student Council
• AP Language
• AP Chem
• AP US
• Drama (usually a play, and plus Thespian Society)
  
• Running or some form of physical fitness (remind me to talk about my body issues later)
• Idiotic online math
• Photography
• Mock Trial
• Roots and Shoots
• Sparrow Club
• Investment Club
• (HOPEFULLY! Brook and I can start a culinary club)
• BCC
• Ultimate Frisbee
• Maintenance of the US Blog
• An attempt to look aesthetically pleasing every day
• Being kind to all
• Smiling always
• Honor Society

There are always more, but yeah. I'll add if I think of it.

But seriously!? What? Are you joking? "Naomi, how can this possibly make you any kind of happy, I know it just stresses you out?" I say to myself. (Side note: a fantastic song just came on, it's making me smile: La Vie en Rose, by Louis Armstrong. I was truly born to be in a bygone era.)

I am literally busy constantly. It was alright when I had Wilson, because he acknowledged me. I realize I'm kind of a winner of a person, but I sometimes doubt this (despite my immense self confidence and pride) because of what other people think of me, or don't think of me.

Seriously, I would very much like to be loved. That is all. Please, non-denominational deities, send someone down and I'll make them so completely and humongously happy, you have no idea. It's just that right now there isn't even anyone worth "liking."

Sigh. I would actually give a nice hunk of my body to be head-over-heels for someone and have them not even like me at all. That'd at least occupy my pining heart. Ugh, that sounds so horrifically sappy.

I feel like I'm old or something. With all my cats just crowding around me at my old, cat lady house where it smells like purple should smell.